While we believe in self-expression, at Posh Peanut, we support theย movement to stop mom-shaming, and there are simple ways to change the conversation and stop mom-shaming once and for all.

Moms have it tough. Dads do too. But thereโ€™s pressure to achieve a perfection that women deal with much more. Societal expectations and centuries-old stereotypes put moms in the position of primary caregivers. Many women are delighted to (and do) take on this rewarding role. But it is not always realistic. Single moms, for example, donโ€™t always have options. They say, โ€œit takes a villageโ€ to raise a child. So why is mom-shaming so pervasive? Shouldnโ€™t we all be in this together instead of taking each other down? Rather than stigmatize, letโ€™s be part of the solution!

What Is Mom Shaming?

In a nutshell, mom-shaming involves criticism, unwanted advice, making fun, and even bullying. It can be subtle or severe. Others (primarily mothers themselves) chime in on a momโ€™s parenting tactics with their critiques. This unsolicited judgment may have been intended to be beneficial. Often, it winds up being hurtful. These โ€œopinionsโ€ put a burden on already stretched-thin, stressed-out moms.

Mom shaming comes about because someone (be it a sibling or a stranger) would have โ€œdone something differently.โ€ This disapproval is generally unsupported and unhelpful. Hereโ€™s how to handle mom-shaming and how to shut it down.

Examples of Mom Shaming

Comments may seem innocent on the surface. However, it is not always theย intentionย that moms on the receiving end pick up on. Moms may get the impression that someone thinks they are not doing a good job at parenting. Such doubt can cause a mom to question her own capability. When her parenting is doubted or disputed, a momโ€™s whole world can crumble down. What was meant to be โ€œconstructiveโ€ winds up beingย destructive.

Who is Shaming Moms and What are They Talking About?

According to a poll conducted by C.S. Mott Childrenโ€™s Hospital with Michigan Medicine,ย more than 60% of mothers have been mom-shamed. The biggest mom-shaming offenders? Family! Their partner or spouse, in-laws, and parents have plenty to say. Friends, peers, moms in their social circle (and ones they donโ€™t know), and random strangers on social media are culprits too. Health care and childcare professionals have been called out as mom shamers as well, but perhaps their input has some weight.

Topics high on the shame โ€œlistโ€ includes discipline, diet/nutrition, sleeping,ย breast/bottle feeding, child safety, and childcare. Unsurprisingly, over half of the moms whoโ€™ve been approached didnโ€™t find much value in the โ€œadviceโ€ thrown at them.

Mom shaming can happen face-to-face, behind someoneโ€™s back, blasted on social media, or passed from one person to another like a game of โ€œtelephone.โ€ And we all know how those messages get distorted. Friends, foes, family members, and people you donโ€™t know can unintentionally or deliberately mom shame. Weโ€™ve witnessed it. Sadly, some of us have done it.

A sample of mom-shamingโ€ฆ

โ€œMy baby was already walking by now.โ€

โ€œI canโ€™t believe she didnโ€™t evenย tryย to breastfeed.โ€

โ€œWow, you went back to the office already?โ€

โ€œI only fed my baby homemade baby food.โ€

โ€œIโ€™d never get my toddler a โ€œHappy Meal.โ€

โ€œYourย babyโ€™s nameย is, uhโ€ฆinteresting.โ€

โ€œWhy is she bringing her baby to this (restaurant, show, party, service, etc.)?

โ€œMy kids would never get away with acting like that.โ€

โ€œShe is certainly taking her time losing the baby weight.โ€

โ€œAre youย stillย breastfeeding?โ€

โ€œYou should hold your babyย thisย way.โ€

โ€œAre sweatpants back in style?โ€

โ€œI wouldnโ€™t leave my baby with a sitter this soon.โ€

โ€œYouย ate/drankย thatย while you were pregnant?!โ€

โ€œShouldnโ€™t you put the baby down for a nap by now?โ€

โ€œI hear the schools in your city arenโ€™t the best.โ€

โ€œIsnโ€™t he too young to be vaccinated?โ€

โ€œSheโ€™s going to be spoiled.โ€

โ€œBreastfeeding can help you shed pounds.โ€

โ€œIf you let the baby sleep in your bed, youโ€™ll never get them to sleep on their own.โ€

โ€œWe only let our kids watch educational TV shows.โ€

โ€œYou guys order a lot of takeout!โ€

โ€œYou havenโ€™t signed her up for (gymnastics, Girl Scouts, music lessons, Little League, etc.) yet?

โ€œWhen will you get that boy a haircut?โ€

โ€œMy parents spanked me, and I turned out OK.โ€

Mom shaming can also take shape when moms post photos and updates of their โ€œpicture perfectโ€ lives on social media. Behind the scenes, things are not always quite as peachy. Other moms see these photos and feel like they canโ€™t โ€œkeep up with the Joneses.โ€ They may even think they are failing. Remember that social media is NOT real life. You canโ€™t compare yourself to others. It is unproductive and needlessly upsetting.

The examples of mom-shaming are endless (unfortunately), but you can see the pattern. Mom shaming, even if it comes from a good place, can sting. It puts moms in the uncomfortable position of defending their parenting decisions. This slighting, be it sarcastic or severe, has consequences. Moms need allies, not adversaries. Letโ€™s stop mom shaming! Whoโ€™s in?

Mom juggling drinking coffee holding a kid on her back and Holding a baby

How to Give Advice but Stop Mom Shaming

No mom is perfect, so letโ€™s invite her to listen in a welcoming way. Otherwise, she may be closed off to even sage suggestions. We all have our own โ€œparenting protocol.โ€ Unless you genuinely believe a parent is putting their child in danger, howย youโ€™dย do it is not necessarily the #1 way.

That said, youย canย offer advice in a non-judgmental, non-confrontational manner. A caring and conscientious mom will appreciate honesty. But remember to back off if she is not interested in the information. Forcing the issue can cause the conversation to escalate from friendly advice to a full-fledged argument.

The Mott Poll Report found thatย over half of momsย who have been mom-shamed have stopped shaming other moms. Being bombarded with unwanted criticism gave these moms some perspective. A โ€œtaste of their own medicine,โ€ so to speak. This dose of reality made these moms realize that they could treat other moms better. Or at least give them a break.

We would be far better off if we live and let live. As tempting as it may be, putting our two cents in is not always worth it. People have lost friends, cut ties with relatives, and drowned in dead-end disputes on social media. โ€œMama bearsโ€ will protect their cubs at any cost. And they believe they know what is best for their little ones. Take note, be nice, and make mom-shaming a non-issue.

Positive, shame-free ways to offer advice:

  • Ask a mom how she is doing. If she is falling short in some way she wants help, she can let you know. Get herย permissionย before you โ€œpreach.โ€ Make suggestions, but donโ€™t give a โ€œsermon.โ€
  • Be positive. Your tone and demeanor can steer the way the conversation goes. Come from a place of concern.
  • Be there to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on. Let her know you are there when she needs you, not whenย youย decide itโ€™s time to dig in.
  • Skip the judgmental phrases. Say, โ€œThis might make things easierโ€ฆโ€ rather than โ€œYou ought to do it this wayโ€ฆโ€
  • Explain how you got through particular parenting issues. She should not do it your way but illustrate how all parents have obstacles to overcome.
  • See things from her perspective, not your personal preferences.
  • Give her a few ideas/options. This way, you can help her navigate a new approach.
  • Be honest, but not harsh.
  • Tell her when she is doing a great job, so she will appreciate your advice when things arenโ€™t going smoothly.
  • Make it a two-way street. Let her know you value her opinion and would love any advice she may have for you.
  • Talk about the situation itself and not the momโ€™s actions specifically. For instance, โ€œI was told to buy organic veggies for my kids. Do you do organic-only, or do you think it doesnโ€™t really matter? Iโ€™ve heard pros and cons, and Iโ€™m confused.โ€ She will be much more receptive to discussing than if you had said, โ€œIs that apple that Johnny is eating organic?โ€
  • If there is nothing she can do about a particular situation, donโ€™t mention it unless you can help. If her toddler has to be placed in childcare all day because both parents work, so be it. Unless you have a better solution (or youโ€™re a sitter), stay out of it.
  • Donโ€™t make assumptions. Ask directly before you advise. What you see isnโ€™t always what you get.
  • If you see a mom struggling, give her your support, not the โ€œside-eye.โ€
  • If you are not sure what you want to say (or if itโ€™s even 100% factual), save it.

How to Handle Mom Shaming

If you have been a victim of mom-shaming, you know how much it hurts. It could be your own parents who are picking on you. Or youโ€™re shocked by strangers on social media who would never dare shame you in person. No matter where the mom-shaming comes from, the results are real. And they can cut you to the core.ย 

You may be the non-confrontational type.

  • This might limit you in the way you respond to mom-shaming. You donโ€™t have to battle it out, but you could benefit from standing up for yourself. If thatโ€™s not your style, ignoring the mom-shaming is the way to go. Brush it off and just be you.

Thatโ€™s just the way it is.

  • Parents will be judged. Psychology today suggests expectingย to be confronted. This way, when mom-shaming comes your way, you will be ready to respond. At least you wonโ€™t be surprised.

Itโ€™s them, not you.

  • Many mom shamers are reflecting on their own parenting mistakes. They are hoping to โ€œmake upโ€ for their shortcomings by telling you how to do things โ€œright.โ€ Their insecurities drive them to meddle with other moms. This is intrusive, even if it was meant to be educational.

Avoid the critics.

  • If you know that every time you go to โ€œMommy and Me,โ€ that one mom is a โ€œMs. Know-it-All,โ€ keep your distance. She may never get the hint that you donโ€™t want her help. When it comes to family, this can get tricky. Be direct, and hopefully, theyโ€™ll dial it down. You can try to steer the conversation towards another topic too. Get your partner involved (on your side, naturally) if need be.

Turn things around.

  • No, donโ€™t bash someone back in retaliation, but reframe the shame. Let this person know that you are open to their opinion. Suggest discussing the topic from two sides. Both of you may learn something valuable. If not, at least you tried before getting ticked off.

Do unto others...ย 

  • If you want mom-shaming to become โ€œextinct,โ€ use your power to start the pro-mom movement. If you see another mom being shamed, come to her defense. Catch yourself before you become the busybody yourself. If you are a mom, you know that parenting is demanding. Put yourself in the other momโ€™s shoes and send her the signal that youโ€™ve got her back.

Final thoughts

Moms may seem like superheroes, but weโ€™re only human. All parents will mess up, probably many times. We have to look at the big picture rather than nit-pick. If you have been mom-shamed, find comfort in the friends and family who encourage you. Root for other moms who may be in a rut. Letโ€™s promote positivity and partnership in parenting!

Join the conversation! Have you been mom-shamed? What did you do? How did it make you feel? Who did the shaming? Did they stop mom-shaming?

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Editors Note: This post was originally published 5/20/2019 and has been completely updated and revamped for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

Joshua Tomas
Tags: mom shaming

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